best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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