3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize