I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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