Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
