i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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