I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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