God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
