So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
