He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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