She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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