We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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