You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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