I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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