Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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