Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize