You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
