ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
