marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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