Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Randomize
