I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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