are you still at the devil's house?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize