TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
As shirtless as possible
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
