can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
