the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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