he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
