someone threw a dead crab at me
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
