i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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