My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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