Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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