My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
