is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
