ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
