i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
