Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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