You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
