His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
