Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
