bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
