If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
