we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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