I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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