1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
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