Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize