If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
