just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
