Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
