That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
