i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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