In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
