the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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