a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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