there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
