I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Someone came in the potted fern
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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