well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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