She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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