The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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