You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
