my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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