I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize