I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
