Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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