Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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