this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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