I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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