Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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