We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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