woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
