Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So squirting runs in the family.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
