I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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