More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
