Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
