There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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