I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize